Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye wastes away from grief, my soul and body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my misery, and my bones waste away. – Psalm 31:9-10 (NRSV)
I do not wish the Pit of Despair on anyone—neither The Princess Bride version, nor the poetic biblical version, nor the version I’ve experienced: major depressive disorder. The depth of depression’s hopelessness is a Mariana Trench beneath a vast ocean, a place in which there are no guiding lights, a pressure under which breath is labored, a reality so far removed from others that it seems certain no one can hear you scream.
In the depressive distress of such a Pit of Despair, strength of spirit and body fail—even though we might still appear to function at full capacity in daily life.
In the chasm of grief, joy in life and purpose is utterly sapped—even though some of us who live with depression continue to laugh and nod in conversation.
In the vacuum of depression, any possible doorway of escape seems hidden or inconceivable—and every friendly gesture seems a mockery of our isolation.
The psalmist is consumed by the fatigue of her body, hopeless with the dread of adversaries and neighbors alike, locked away from community by the delusion of worthlessness.
Only one remains trustworthy: “I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God’” (31:14). Only one can navigate the Pit of Despair to find the psalmist: “Let your face shine upon your servant” (31:16). Only one shows up faithfully: “My times are in your hand” (31:15).
Thanks be to God, who not only shows up in the Pit of Despair but also in the grace of therapists and the miracle of medicines. Thanks be to God, for the incarnate presence of friends who shine for those of us drowning in the trench, that we might be encouraged that a way out is possible.
Prayer: Be gracious upon our minds, bodies, and spirits when we are depressed and weary. Even in the deepest chasm, remind us that we are not alone.
written for the Daily Devotional
Dear Rachel,
WOW! I don’t think that I anticipated that the title of this expression “ The Pit of Despair,” would be your “self expression” of your, very personal reality. I live with someone who also “knows” these “pits of despair, the lack of joy , the total fatigue of the body and mind, the sense that one feels that life feels like you are carrying and dragging heavy chains around much like the ghost of Marley” in Scrooge.
I am so sorry that you have been dealing with and “know” the despair that comes with “major Depressive Disorder.” Of course, having “followed you and your poignant and beautiful reflections over the past 4 years, I am very sad as I do have some knowledge of the “pit” from my fiancé.
I am Very thankful that you are seeking the benefits of mental health professionals, medication and opening yourself as best you can to the love and support of those who love you.
Thank you Rachel for letting me in on what you are grappling and trying to live with. We have not met yet, your thoughts and words have always touched me deeply.
I will be praying , “heart fully,” for you on a daily basis. I pray that The “right” people ( counselors, doctors) will be a part of your road and plan toward feeling better. I will be praying that you will feel God’s love in moments throughout your days; that “life” will become less burdensome in time for you.
You are able to see my email. IF I can help you in any particular way, please email me and let me know. In the meantime, it always takes a willingness to “allow” others into our lives. I have “loved you” through your words over time. I am thankful that I can have the opportunity to “come to God, on my knees , to ardently pray for help to you so that you might come to feel the “easing,” the “lighter” breaths , the “lifts” from the a pit of despair.
Much, much love Rachel.
“Heart fully” prayer is a lovely turn of phrase. Thanks for your kind words, Ann.