“Take me outside of myself,” I dare to pray . . . and immediately think that I don’t know what I’m asking. What if God takes me seriously? So I backpedal and nuance: “Open my eyes to a broader perspective, and keep me on my toes” . . . by which I mean, “Let me not be so complacent that I fail to consider others’ experiences or limit the ways I see you,” but I don’t mean, “Pull the rug out from under me.” I very intentionally don’t mean that! I would like to be stretched in such a way that I’m still allowed to keep one foot on the ground. (sigh) Be gentle with me, O Merciful Christ, for I am stuck in my own ego and fear. You who commanded a taxman from his paperwork and fishermen from their boats, I know what you are capable of . . . and I know that you have a resurrection-minded outlook on my capabilities . . . but somewhere amidst the stories of what you have done in people’s lives and the stories you might imagine for my life, my eyes grow wide and my heart races with panic. Please wait with me while I pray: It is not about me, thy will be done. It is not about me, thy will be done.
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I confess that a part of me
wants it to be about me
Paul would refer to this as “the flesh”
or perhaps to personalize it
my flesh
I enjoy having my ego stroked
and my needs satisfied
Image management is not just something others do
I am guilty as well
But I war against this fleshly part of me
even as I am prone to indulge in it
Because I also choose
on a daily basis
to walk by the Spirit
and put to death
the ugliness of the flesh
The Spirit of Christ in me
spurs my soul to a higher calling
one of
service and sacrifice
humility and holiness
generosity and compassion
I choose Christ
and I deny Him
I love Him
and yet search for other “loves”
I am as Paul
wretched through and through
But
thanks be to God
I am free from condemnation!!
humble thanks
be to God
18 February 2013
Wrestling with Temptation
Aw the guilty pleasure of giving into
Seductions
Indulgences
Laziness
Self-pity
Flattery
False power
Undeserved authority
And the retched consequences of accepting
Unearned praise
Cheap grace
Half – truths
For these sins and others
Jesus, have mercy on us.
For these sins and others
Jesus, please have mercy on us.
God is generous in mercy!
Breathe in God.
Breathe out my tendency to waste time.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out my doubts and regrets.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out fretting over my figure.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out the dirty dishes on the counter.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out the successes I had this week.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out my ambitions.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out tunnel-vision of a busy day.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out a selfish definition of “busy”
Breathe in God.
Breathe out time spent talking when I should have been listening.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out the stuff that fills my cupboards.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out goals and dreams.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out tomorrow’s to-do list.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out what I want people to think of me.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out me.
Breathe in God.
Breathe out me.
Gradually, may I be filled with what you desire. May I decrease as you increase.
Breathe in God.
Thank you, Katie. You have helped me breathe in God today.
Centre stage feels good. Having the chance to be heard, to do what I feel good at.
Today I stand in the wings, feeling ignored, painfully reminded once more of my imperfection and my longing to be perfect.
Have mercy O God on my wanting to be always mistake-free. Have mercy on my reluctance to take the risk and step boldly into failure. Have mercy on the gifts I fail to practice for fear of not reaching the mark I set for myself. Have mercy as I make it all about me, and forget to love my crooked neighbour with my crooked heart.
The contrast between centre stage and the wings is a powerful spacial set-up to the rest of your prayer! Beautiful.
I’m not sure I am getting to the author of crooked heart … but if in case I have reached that writer I wanted to tell you how much I have smiled and nodded and considered your perspective.
For I love that confident place, the right words that come from my mouth, the familiar actions that lead to expected outcomes, but as you remind me I only get to where I have been in my established answers. Maybe there is one out there that doesn’t connect to my usual responses because they are too neat and too pat.
Keep me teetering on the seesaw in writings such as yours Miss Hilary C ! Thanx!
Amen, Wintersong, and thanks for passing along your affirmation to Hilary!